So if television is devolving back to the days of the Texaco Star Happy Gas Time Theatre, books are now just novelizations of reality TV shows written by people who have never experienced reality nor read a book, and music is officially a democracy of dunces, what does that leave us? As we all know, those lumbering newspaper dinosaurs are but one meteoric blog from extinction, and according to media economics professor Robert G. Picard—who wrote this distressing article for The Christian Science Monitor earlier in the week—they can only be saved if journalists agree to sacrifice their current pittance for even lower pay until they figure out a way to contribute something more valuable than just being journalists. Picard argues that wages are based on “value creation”—and since merely conveying information gathered from sources of knowledge and conveying it effectively is something even a total Pratt can do with his first Tweet of the day before he gets his swag on, journalists have next to no intrinsic worth left. To save the industry, Picard argues, journalists must “add something novel that creates value. They will have to start providing information and knowledge that is not readily available elsewhere, in forms that are not available elsewhere, or in forms that are more useable by and relevant to their audiences.” Oh, is that all? (So in other words, every news story needs to be tainted with “me-first” punditry, hyperlinked to distraction, and 140 characters or less? Got it.)

In the meantime, journalists who have failed to redefine news reporting for the 21st century continue to lose their jobs—that’ll learn ya to follow AP style and work with reputable sources!—and as such certain facets of the newspaper business are dying with them, like all those investigative reporters who used to save death row inmates, but are now too busy trying to save their jobs with a breaking exclusive on who Robert Pattinson is kissing today. As a result, guess what? People who were wrongly condemned don’t have anyone to help them get their story out there, so they’re dying as well! What, do they not have Twitter in jail? After all, if it can crack the case on Patrick Swayze’s death like it did this week—a rumor that was “retweeted” thousands of times after originating from a pair of jackasses at a Jacksonville radio station, to the point where Swayze himself had to issue a picture to prove that he’s alive—why waste your time on valueless reporters who can only report boring facts? Didn’t you hear what Picard said about being novel? Do that.